Tara (Tiger) Brown

It’s been exactly 8 years and 20 days since I started at Microsoft, or the Borg as I affectionately like to call it.  Today, like Seven of Nine, my link to the collective will be severed.

There’s a 7 page list of things I need to do in order to break free from the hive including handing over my corporate Amex, computer equipment, Prime card, parking pass and my ”blue badge” with that innocent picture of me taken on my very first day. 

Although I will be giving up a ton of amazing benefits such as a free gym membership, the Connector, discounts galore, and of course the zero co-pay medical benefits, it is really not what I am most going to miss.  I’m going to miss things like my Canucks alias - I was the distribution list owner for it and it helped me keep feel close to my Canadian roots - I even became the liaison of sorts to the Seattle Canadian Consulate.  I’m going to miss the Microsoft Diversity Leadership team where I felt like I was actually making a difference in changing people’s minds about women and underrepresented minorities.  The Microsoft Equestrian group was a huge asset to me with all my horse related questions and extremely supportive when I had to make hard decisions about finding new homes for my rescue horses.  Women are still a minority at MS, so I am going to miss the girl power like my “Office Live Mashup Grrrls” - we built a small business application in a matter of days and presented to the Windows Live VP.  Free, no worries travel FTW - Microsoft sent me to India twice, Japan and around the US to conferences like SXSW which I actually think gave me a new tine in that fork in the road I was at and ultimately why I am writing this post today.

Not to be trite, but because it is 100% true, I am thankful for the friends that I made.  I’m not going to talk about missing them because it is way too easy to keep tabs on everyone through Brightkite, Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, blogs, etc.  I will however miss hanging out with them during the day and when a coffee run or a quick behind the door life-update is necessary.  I will definitely miss working with only smart people.  Maybe not always street smart, but definitely smart.  The interviewing process at Microsoft is effective.

I have been trying to think of things that I won’t miss, but honestly, they are all very trivial.  I do however, have a lot of hope for Microsoft’s future.  I hope that teams like the one I was on, Office Live, figure out how to be leaders in their space and not followers.  I hope that VPs such as Ray Ozzie , who I think is one of the few leaders that will breathe new life into MS, breaks free from his previous lives of Lotus Notes and Groove and takes some forward thinking risks.  I want Microsoft to be part of the community instead of dictating to them.  Most of all, I hope that one day people in the tech center don’t cringe when I tell them I used to work for Microsoft.

So today, I break free from the collective, but like Seven of Nine, I’m sure I hope that I will keep some of my cybernetic implants because there is really no better training in the world for building software and program management than Microsoft.

What’s next for me?  Definitely staying with the interwebs, but adding some entertainment to the mix.  My Voyager is Topspin.

Dear Seattle,

I’m leaving you. There, I said it. It has taken me some time to get the courage up to tell you, but it’s not fair to you or me and it’s time I moved on. We’ve been together for a little over 4 years now and have gone through many ups and downs. It is time I got off this roller coaster.

When I was with Vancouver for all those years, I didn’t even give you a second look because you were too similar and Vancouver is well, Vancouver. Then I met San Francisco and although for the four years we were together we definitely had a good time, it seemed fleeting and family and settling down was important to me. You called me up quite unexpectedly that one day to console me and I am so grateful.

We started out as friends, and had many of the same interests. You made it really easy to see my family and they seemed to like you pretty well. You and I had a lot of affection for each other but never quite fell in love. It may be because we faced a lot of emotional tragedy in the short time we were together and I don’t think I can recover from that. Every time I look at you I am reminded of losing so many loved ones and I need my heart to heal.

I was going to go for a fresh start with someone new, but San Francisco called me and wants me back. Apparently things will be different now and I need to reconsider the reasons I left in the first place. Also, because I want to be totally honest,  I am crushing on Los Angeles a bit and it seems reciprocal so I’m going to see where that goes. For now, though, I am going to see if I can work things out with SF because quite frankly, my heart never left.

So, Seattle, my last day with you is July 17^th. My bags are almost all packed and I’m saying goodbye to friends tonight. I sincerely hope that you and I stay in touch and can remain friends because I would like to hang out from time to time. I hope you stay beautiful inside and out and don’t let anyone tell you that you shed too many tears, that’s what makes you so vibrant.

Take care.

Much love,

Tara

I was out with a friend the other night and he asked me if there was anything that would trigger me to become overly emotional, no matter what I was doing or the mood I was in.  His trigger was fairly obscure, and surprising and actually made me giggle.  I thought about mine for a second and answered that it was when animals were being treated poorly.  At the time that seemed liked the right answer.  I’m a big animal lover and I get pretty emotional watching Animal Cops and the like.

Today, at the end of an extremely emotionally taxing day, I realized that I have another trigger.  I was watching Almost Famous and that scene where everyone on the bus starts singing Elton John’s Tiny Dancer came on.  It was at an extremely emotional highpoint in the movie that has always resonated with me.  Every time I see that scene, no matter how many times, I cry.

There are many other movies that invoke this response in me - it is always a combination of a scene and the music.  Some are silly and I can’t bare to share, but my connection with them all runs deep.

Although these combinations make me cry and emotionally uncomfortable, at the same time it is incredible and almost magical knowing that two writers - script and song - were able to connect with me on such a deep level.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of intense circumstances this year.  People keep reminding me, but I just sort of brush it off and keep plowing ahead.   Closure is happening on some things and it caused me to look back at the last 6 months and reflect on everything.

First, I filed for divorce after 7 years of marriage at the beginning of January.  After various levels of separation I said enough was enough.  Thankfully it was a very friendly end, but he was my best friend - the person who knew me the best and I really miss that level of comfort and security in my life.  I just received an email from my lawyer that this Tuesday at 10:30AM I am marching into court and standing before a judge to affirm that in fact it is all over.

Due to the divorce, we are selling our house in Seattle.  It has been on the market since March and has not received any offers.  I have been living in this staged, museum like house since January by myself.  Needless to say, it has been a very lonely experience being in a house that is not a home yet still has the ghosts of familiarity.

We had 3 dogs, 1 cat, and a horse.  My ex refused to take any of the animals and it was too much for me to look after them all by myself, and work, and keep the house clean.  My dad and his girlfriend took in my dog Sydney and my cat Fumanchu. I can’t thank them enough.  Trooper, my chocolate lab  went into daycare and I take Funston my chihuhua with me whenever possible.  Trooper became very depressed because he was no longer allowed in the main part of the house because I had to keep it clean and he also really missed Sydney. I felt so guilty that I decided to find him a new home with a family that would love him.  I placed him with a family on a trial basis just before my trip south down the 101 a couple of weeks ago.  On my return drive home to Seattle from LA on the I5, I got a call that Trooper had died.  He had gotten a hold of a bag of chips and got his head stuck in it and suffocated.  This was the most devastating news to me and I cried for 3 days straight after that.  How ironic that after struggling with the idea of finding Trooper a new home that he dies on the same day I was going to check in on him.  It didn’t help that I couldn’t get a hold of my ex, and when I finally did the next day, he seemed to not really care.  That was hurtful.

I went and saw Trooper’s body at the vet just to be sure that he was truly dead.  I stayed with him for about an hour and just petted him.  I took his dog tag and wear it around my neck now on a chain which really helps me to feel close to him.  I had Trooper cremated and just received his ashes today.  The family that took him in dropped the box off at my house.  The family is still devastated and I don’t have any ill feelings towards them.  I know that it was an accident.  Now I need to determine what to do with Troop’s ashes.  Maybe I will sprinkle them on the regular path we took for walks.  I asked my ex what he would like to do, but no response.

I did a lot of purging today and more packing.  I read the book The Secret and it makes mention of living like the thing you want is just going to happen, no questions.  So I decided to pack and clean like I was about to move out.  As I was cleaning, a real estate agent showed up at my door and asked to show the house.  She didn’t have an appointment, but there was no way I was going to say ‘no.’  The couple came in for a minute and then walked out with a big scowl on their face and said they were done. I asked what the problem was and they said “no yard” and walked away.  Not only did they come to my house unnannounced, but they left in such a negative way that it really put a downer on my day.  I have no control over the fact that my house has no yard, and the fact I can’t fix a “problem” like that, is very frustrating.

Since December I’ve been planning new features for the service that I work on.  Turns out that many of those features are getting cut or postponed or scoped down.  I realize this happens, but I put a lot of heart and soul into those ideas and now its just one more thing to add to the list.

Interestingly enough, and why I made the title of this post “Numb Or At Peace” is because I haven’t cried since Trooper died.  Sure I have shed a tear or two, but no crying.  Even when I found out today about my court date, or received Trooper’s ashes, or found out that the last 6 months of work was going down the drain, I didn’t cry.  Perhaps it is because I have some very amazing people in my life that I know I can count on for support.  As true as that is, I want to think it is because I am at peace with myself and that everything will turn out OK if I have some patience.

So I am going to answer my own question: At Peace.

Namaste.

Based on some negativity I was projecting (aka bitching) my Life Coach asked me or rather ordered me to read “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne.  She said that it had a good summary on encouraging good thoughts.  I was a bit skeptical to even purchase it because the cover reminded of the video game Myst and so I thought it was going to be some fantastical, cryptic read.  I happened to see it at Costco and picked it up because what’s $14 when you are spending a few hundred on other things you really don’t need.

I tweeted my friends asking if they had read it and I got a flurry of responses, most were highly opinionated from the usual suspects:

• If you waste your time reading more than 5 pages of that we’re going to have an intervention. Avoid.
• The only secret in “The Secret” is how such a crappy book made so much bank. Seriously, if you want it, make it happen. Done. 
• everyone is screwed, that’s why the book is a hunk of crap.
• You’re way past the “The Secret”. It’s basically a dumbed-down voodoo version of “Flow”.
• The Secret is that you may accidentally be supporting an out-of-work comedian.
• clifnotes: If you sit around thinking you dont deserve anything you won’t get it. If you know you deserve it, you make it happen.

Based on my own principles, I opted to read the book and form my own opinion.   I’m about half way through and the gist of what I’m reading is that you need to be in a good state of mind because you project your feelings out into the universe and then they get reflected back at you - so if you are in a bad mood, bad energy will flow back and the opposite is true too (which is what we’re going for).  Additionally, you need to Ask, Believe, and Receive:  Ask the universe for what you want (but only once), believe deep in your soul that it will happen (no timelines here), and be open to receiving it when it does - as if you were expecting it to happen all along.  The book also discusses how you need to put yourself in the right frame of mind before asking for anything:  If you want a house then go look at houses, if you want a car go sit in the one you want.  Also, size or price of the item has no bearing on the ask…$1 is no different than a million dollars.

So far it is a really easy read and hasn’t said anything that I didn’t already think about in one way or another because I’ve been reading the book Flow and I have also taken an Art of Living course (not promoting here…just took it for the breathing exercises…maybe I’ll post something on that experience later) which is about being in the present and focusing on what you want.

Going back to the title of this post - if I were less negative about things that annoy me, would the annoyances stop occurring and everything just work?  My first inclination is to refute that hypothesis because there is no way that me alone can project my positive thoughts onto every new social networking website or gadget that I come across and want to use.  I think that my experience in working through issues could be vastly improved, but everyone involved would have to be practicing “The Secret” in order for it to truly work holistically across all experiences.

Ultimately, the answer to my question is “no” however I think there is a level in which I can discuss the things that I find difficult in a way that is positive towards the receivers that they are afforded the opportunity to work on a response and a solution in a positive way as well.

We’ll see how this works out - I will try the sandwich way of writing: start out with a positive, details and criticisms in between, then end on a positive note.

I have a big long list of crappiness that I experienced yesterday and today.  No intro needed, let’s just dive right in shall we…

• I made a bunch of folders on my phone for my fave text messages and then my Smartphone crashed and when it recovered it burped out all my text messages into oblivion.  I have a very bad memory and I require documentation to even remember what movies I’ve seen.  This was a huge bummer.
• I Brightkited a bunch at Emerald City ComiCon and then when I got to the best part - meeting Wil Wheaton (@wilw) I didn’t get my frickin’ pic with him. Dammit! I guess that means it never happened.
• The actor who plays Peter Patrelli on Heroes didn’t show at ComiCon. Fail!
• My knees have been bothering me while I jog and someone suggested that I get some new shoes so I went to Niketown.  I decided to get some Nike+ compatible shoes (of course) and asked for the watch+sensor because I don’t have an iPod Nano.  The salesman took 10 minutes to go through all the nuts and bolts of the system and then at the end of the pitch I exclaimed “sold!” and he said “sorry, we are all out”.  WTF? Why would you bother even trying to sell something you don’t have in stock. Thanks for nothing.
• Twitter is ticking me off a bit…first, on a couple of occassions the web version will indicate I have entered 140 characters into the update well and then I press enter and it tells me I was >140 chars. Wtf?  Second, sometimes when I send a direct message and then refresh the page, it appear to post the message again because the confirmation message will appear over and over again. I’m always worried that I’m spamming the same message over and over.
• I forgot to get my Mum a Mother’s Day card. I fail.
• I have to reboot my smartphone everyday because the browser will stop rendering webpages.
• A Seattle weather report is texted to me at 8am everyday. And everyday it reports rain.
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a terrible movie, with horrid editing and the walk home made it even worse because the cold wind was ripping into me like a hard slap.
• My real estate agent told my ex today that she thought the house was priced too high.  It has been on the market for 7 weeks and she decided to tell us this now? Are you kidding me?
• I have to keep my house clean everyday because it is for sale and this has become quite the onerous routine every time I want to leave the house.  I never used to make my bed or put every single dish into the dishwasher after use. I feel like I am living in a museum not a house.  I hope it sells soon but then I have other decisions to make so its a bit of a catch 22…
• Today I had plans for a bike ride with friends but I couldn’t find my bike pump and neither could they.  Then it started raining and we gave up.
• Lastly, I would love to be tapping away on my keyboard from the comfort of my bed, but my wireless router is broken and I am tethered to the modem. Meh

Until recently I didn’t realize how often I get annoyed by things…We aren’t talking just once or twice per day, we are talking upwards of at least 10 times.  I started counting the number of times when my Life Coach (aka shrink for people that want to think outside the box) requested that I start journaling my day.  I would leave her office after an hour still rambling on (to myself at that point) and in her absence she wanted me to have an outlet.  She handed me a notepad and pen and said “write down every thought as it comes to you.”  I looked at her with my usual ‘wtf’ raised eyebrow and explained that I got hand cramps after about 30 seconds of using those old fashioned writing utensils and if I wrote down every thought I would surely develop tennis elbow.  We agreed or rather I *told* her that I would journal on my laptop while riding to and from work on the Microsoft Connector bus which is a total of about 30 minutes.  After she figured out that the Internet can “travel” with you, she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of me spending more time on my laptop because she thinks I spend too much time online already, but conceded to the idea that I would use some of my brain energy “constructively” and for my own well-being.

I started listing things in my wiki throughout the day that annoyed me (I give credit or curses to Tantek who told me to use a wiki as my instrument of thought).  Interestingly enough all my thoughts were really complaints as opposed to just ideas, and I didn’t list everything because I thought that the trivial things didn’t really matter, or if it wasn’t technology related then it was bunk.  But, then I got to thinking that I would really love to get an actual count of the things that tick me off so I know how much of my day is spent being in a negative state of mind.  Not that it would change anything, but just an interesting statistic. Also, I thought that for my own mental health I might also want to list out the things that make me happy or “happified” as I like to say.  I was a little worried at first that I would have nothing to report on this front, but in fact there have been a few instances of good karma coming my way and so my life isn’t just all spit and vinegar.  I report on that now in my Tiger Love blog.

Alright, enough jibber jabber, time to get to my list of annoyances:

• I have this dumb idea that if I weigh myself every morning I won’t gain a lot of weight because I can catch myself before gaining too much.  Well, I just realized that the stupid display on the scale has been frozen to my weight from 2 months ago and in fact, I have gained more than a few pounds. So I’m annoyed at my fancy scale, SXSW for starting me on my partying rampage, and alcohol in general.
• I got on the bus this morning and flipped open my laptop lid.  I hadn’t shut down Windows Vista the night before (stupid me!) and so waited the 10 minutes (literally) for it to wake up and figure out where it was (I’ve had a few of those mornings so I had some empathy).  It finally started ticking a bit but everything was so slow then I decided to reboot.  Waited another 10 minutes for this cycle.  By the time is was humming an elevator tune I was half way to work and realized I had better type super fast.  I finally got online (wifi..not annoying) and started writing in my blog.  About 5 minutes later my screen froze.  We are talking no ctrl-alt-del, no right clicking task manager, nothing.  Oh, and I hadn’t saved yet either.  This totally freaking annoyed me and I hadn’t even gotten to work yet.
• On the bus I was sitting on the back bench sandwiched between two somewhat large guys.  The song playing on the radio was “I feel like making love” by Bad Company.  Needless to say, this was ironic and uncomfortable all sandwiched together.
• Got to work and had a 9:00am meeting with three other people (oh and 9:00am meetings really annoy me).  One person was giving guidance on something and writing a chart out on a piece of paper (we already know how I feel about paper…). The other two people started copying his chart on their pieces of paper.  I just couldn’t handle this redundant behavior.  Is that really necessary?  And it was a chart with 4 boxes in it..come on.
• As I have mentioned, I now take the MIcrosoft Connector bus…originally I decided to use it on M-W-F but then decided to try 5 days/week because I have a frickin’ huge SUV that sucks gas like me drinking Kahlua and milk.  I navigated to the Connector website to change my recurring appointment to add Tuesday and Thursday.  I clicked on edit but the checkboxes to add those dates were grayed out.  So I decided to create a new recurring appointment for those two days and it told me that I had already booked those days. Well I hadn’t of course because I checked my schedule just in case I had some sort of memory fart. Nope, hadn’t. At 4:30pm I called the number to talk to a support person (available 10:00am-7:00pm) and it went to voicemail that said they were gone for the day.  A friend is coming into town and will be borrowing my car and I was worried that I wouldn’t get the days and times I needed so I promptly programmed single trips, one by one, morning and evening for one month.  If you can’t do the math that’s 16 operations times 8 clicks each which is 128 mouse clicks.  Needless to say, that annoyed me.
• I have had my work laptop for long enough that I am permitted to get another one.  I asked if I could get a Mac and run Windows on it (I mean come on, I’m like the only one at conferences without the kewl kids laptop).  I was told to give a business justification because otherwise everyone in my workgroup would want a Mac.  What kind of freaking answer is that?  I don’t really care what others want, if a Mac is going to make me happy after 8 years of servitude at the ‘Soft, then I should be given one wrapped in a red bow.

I know I had a lot more grievances, but those ones are burned into my head still.  Maybe I will do a better job of jotting my “issues” down on my Smartphone…oh boy, don’t even get me started on that.

It was sunny all day yesterday, however, I was sick and in bed.  I usually dread the morning commute, but I was really looking forward to today, because I thought, despite still feeling a bit under the weather, I could enjoy the morning drive in.

Today wasn’t what I hoped for.  I heard that @spunkygidget decided to purchase sunglasses yesterday, so clearly, she jinxed it.

This is what I had hoped to see…

And this is what I got…:( 

I started out a South By Newbie and now have the battlescars to prove I was there.  Not a lot of sleeping to be had because there were just too many things to do and too many people to meet and chat with.  Bottom line, I highly recommend it if you are prepared to break out of your shell and show your extroverted side, otherwise I’m not sure that listening to panels is going to provide you with the full on experience. It was a well worth slog that will never be forgotten. 

Here are some of my fave things from south by interactive:

Fave App:  Bitstrips.  Hands down, this is the coolest avatar builder/interactive social software app that I saw. And built by Canadians!!

Emotional moment:  PostSecret keynote.  The secrets were heartfelt, someone proposed and the reply was ‘yes’ and someone pleaded for wellwishers for her ill sister

Everyone had:  iPhones and Moo cards and Macs. Everyone.

Best party: Tie between the Etsy party @ the TapRoom (I wored Alix’s Threadless shirt) and the digg party @ the Ranch.

Best venue - Pangaea where the Facebook parties were held.  Apparently a FB investor owns it.

Best recovery:  Zuckerberg @ the Facebook garage session.  You might have heard about the famous interview…

New hero:  Jane McGonigal from Avantgame.  She is girl power all wrapped up in one.

Coolest gadget:  Tie between bloxes and mimobots (ya happy tree friends!)

Most used service to communicate with peeps: Twitter

Craziest moments:  too many and what happens at sxsw, stays at sxsw (until someone posts on Facebook…) remove tag, remove tag

Same type peeps I met: Canadians!! Lots and lots and lots of my people were there. Yaaaa!

I have a lot more to report, but after partying until 4am, running back to my hotel to pack, and racing to the airport for NYC, I need to sleep!