Tara Tiger Brown

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just prowling around

AWOL

This past weekend I decided to forgo yummy cupcakes and fun holiday parties to get the fuck out of dodge. I was getting to the point of no return after two weeks of being down in the dumps and I didn’t want to end up like those 20+ people every year that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

It probably seems odd that I would be depressed after just moving to San Francisco, starting a great new job, and getting married. I know that I am fortunate, and I’m not complaining.

That being said, I couldn’t shake my depressed mood and I heard somewhere that when you are at a loss and feeling sad and depressed, you need to go home for the answers. So I bought a ticket for Seattle and rented a car to head home to Vancouver.

After I arrived in Seattle I met some friends for brunch. Alix and Bruce have been through a lot with me over a very short period of time and I don’t know what I would do without them.

I made a stop at one of my “spots” – Gasworks Park and did some thinking. I used to run there every morning with my belated dog Trooper and watch the sailboats.

Next was a visit with my beautiful horse, Bleu. I have had him for almost 2 years and he is the epitome of the “spirit of a horse” that touches your very core. He is gentle and calm and I could hug him all day long.

It was time to leave Seattle and head north to Langley, B.C. to visit with my Dad and brothers. Driving solo allows you to do a lot of thinking, and as I was driving I started to think about my Yukon Denali that I had recently sold to be carless. At first I thought that I missed the vehicle. Then I thought how ridiculous a notion it was to miss a material good like that and finally came to the logical conclusion that I was being nostalgic for the memories associated with the vehicle. I used to haul my dogs and horse trailer around everywhere and had a lot of great adventures in it including a very special roadtrip.

Once I arrived at my Dad’s I started chatting right away with him and Donna and just brainstormed with them about what I was feeling. It was so incredibly helpful to be in a setting that was comfortable – I had grown up in that house and could instantly curl up and just speak my mind without judgment or guilt. I had my dog Sydney and my cat Foobie at my side and I felt at ease.

After doing some reflecting I have come to the conclusion that after so many changes for me over the past year, and after finally slowing down and stabilizing, everything just hit me. I’ve posted about leaving some of my pets with my dad when I moved to San Francisco, and one of my dog’s dying tragically, and I think part of my mood change was starting the grieving process for the things I left behind.

In addition, I really REALLY want to live somewhere that not only can I call home but feels like home. I have moved so many times over the past 12 years and never stayed for more than a year or two. Right now I am living in a great house, but with a roommate, which screams temporary. There isn’t room for Sean’s things, which means he feels and acts like a guest, and that makes me feel guilty. So that means some changes are on the horizon. Changes that will lead to a sense of permanency.

The good news, is that I feel like I am back on track. I am not 100% yet, but I feel positive again. I know why I am feeling what I am feeling and I have to allow myself to go through the process.

I would like thank my friends and family for being there for me, especially my amazing husband Sean.  I know that it can be difficult to be around someone that isn’t cheery because you need to be that much stronger. I can promise you that I will reciprocate when you need me.

Namaste

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Filed under: life, , , , , , ,

5 Responses

  1. It’s rare that any of us feel 100% in life, but we’ll always strive to get there… and that’s the important thing. Keep reaching, we all want you to get there. xox

  2. Jason D- says:

    Sounds like you’re coming down off the rush of a whirlwind year. It’ll all fall into place in a good way. You got some good people around you who care about you and the fun is just getting started 🙂 Fell better and cya on the Westsiiiiiide!

  3. Bonnie says:

    Hang in there! Once you figure out where you and Sean and Funston want to live for a long time, you’ll relax again. Plus lots of houseplants always help me. Get a ficus!

  4. […] left SF and shortly there after so did Tara. She went north to her fortress of solitude (except not really because her family is there) and I […]

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