I’ve had to deal with a lot of intense circumstances this year. People keep reminding me, but I just sort of brush it off and keep plowing ahead. Closure is happening on some things and it caused me to look back at the last 6 months and reflect on everything.
First, I filed for divorce after 7 years of marriage at the beginning of January. After various levels of separation I said enough was enough. Thankfully it was a very friendly end, but he was my best friend – the person who knew me the best and I really miss that level of comfort and security in my life. I just received an email from my lawyer that this Tuesday at 10:30AM I am marching into court and standing before a judge to affirm that in fact it is all over.
Due to the divorce, we are selling our house in Seattle. It has been on the market since March and has not received any offers. I have been living in this staged, museum like house since January by myself. Needless to say, it has been a very lonely experience being in a house that is not a home yet still has the ghosts of familiarity.
We had 3 dogs, 1 cat, and a horse. My ex refused to take any of the animals and it was too much for me to look after them all by myself, and work, and keep the house clean. My dad and his girlfriend took in my dog Sydney and my cat Fumanchu. I can’t thank them enough. Trooper, my chocolate lab went into daycare and I take Funston my chihuhua with me whenever possible. Trooper became very depressed because he was no longer allowed in the main part of the house because I had to keep it clean and he also really missed Sydney. I felt so guilty that I decided to find him a new home with a family that would love him. I placed him with a family on a trial basis just before my trip south down the 101 a couple of weeks ago. On my return drive home to Seattle from LA on the I5, I got a call that Trooper had died. He had gotten a hold of a bag of chips and got his head stuck in it and suffocated. This was the most devastating news to me and I cried for 3 days straight after that. How ironic that after struggling with the idea of finding Trooper a new home that he dies on the same day I was going to check in on him. It didn’t help that I couldn’t get a hold of my ex, and when I finally did the next day, he seemed to not really care. That was hurtful.
I went and saw Trooper’s body at the vet just to be sure that he was truly dead. I stayed with him for about an hour and just petted him. I took his dog tag and wear it around my neck now on a chain which really helps me to feel close to him. I had Trooper cremated and just received his ashes today. The family that took him in dropped the box off at my house. The family is still devastated and I don’t have any ill feelings towards them. I know that it was an accident. Now I need to determine what to do with Troop’s ashes. Maybe I will sprinkle them on the regular path we took for walks. I asked my ex what he would like to do, but no response.
I did a lot of purging today and more packing. I read the book The Secret and it makes mention of living like the thing you want is just going to happen, no questions. So I decided to pack and clean like I was about to move out. As I was cleaning, a real estate agent showed up at my door and asked to show the house. She didn’t have an appointment, but there was no way I was going to say ‘no.’ The couple came in for a minute and then walked out with a big scowl on their face and said they were done. I asked what the problem was and they said “no yard” and walked away. Not only did they come to my house unnannounced, but they left in such a negative way that it really put a downer on my day. I have no control over the fact that my house has no yard, and the fact I can’t fix a “problem” like that, is very frustrating.
Since December I’ve been planning new features for the service that I work on. Turns out that many of those features are getting cut or postponed or scoped down. I realize this happens, but I put a lot of heart and soul into those ideas and now its just one more thing to add to the list.
Interestingly enough, and why I made the title of this post “Numb Or At Peace” is because I haven’t cried since Trooper died. Sure I have shed a tear or two, but no crying. Even when I found out today about my court date, or received Trooper’s ashes, or found out that the last 6 months of work was going down the drain, I didn’t cry. Perhaps it is because I have some very amazing people in my life that I know I can count on for support. As true as that is, I want to think it is because I am at peace with myself and that everything will turn out OK if I have some patience.
So I am going to answer my own question: At Peace.